steven_wright
 steven-wright-xlarge
 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?"

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
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