“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.” “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” “He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.” “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.