Reality

“Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.”
– Lily Tomlin

Billy Crystal, born March 14, 1948

“I don’t like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.”

“In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.”

“Nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.”

“At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.”

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

“The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday.”

“When comedy is good, it’s jazz. The beats of it, the looseness, the improvisational part, the music-the way you hit the inflection, the high notes of a joke. It’s all melody to me.”

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

Get some rest :)

“I sleep like a baby — I’m up every two hours.” – Billy Crystal

Six months ago today

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
– Joan Rivers
born Joan Alexandra Molinsky
(June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014)

Lucille Ball (Aug 6, 1911-Apr 26, 1989)

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

“There’s a great deal of difference between temperament and temper. Temperament is something you welcome creatively, for it is based on sensitivity, empathy, awareness … but a bad temper takes too much out of you and doesn’t really accomplish anything.”

“Whether we’re prepared or not, life has a habit of thrusting situations upon us.”

Jonathan Winters (Nov 11, 1925 – April 11, 2013)

“I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.”

“I have a photographic memory; I just haven’t developed it yet.”

“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.”

“You’ve got to be an observer. And you’ve got to take time to listen to people, talk, to watch what they do.”

“I’ve done for the most part pretty much what I intended – I ended up doing comedy, writing and painting. I’ve had a ball. And as I get older, I just become an older kid.”

 “First he was my idol, then he was my mentor and amazing friend. I’ll miss him huge. He was my Comedy Buddha. Long live the Buddha.”
Robin Williams

“Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.”

George Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
 Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

 Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Here’s Johnny (Oct 23, 1925 – Jan 23, 2005)

John William “Johnny” Carson (October 23, 1925 – January 23, 2005)

“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.”

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

“Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but the man who invented the meter made all the money.”

“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'”

“I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.”

“It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets”.

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”

“Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds – one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively – the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.”

“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year – and then discover once a year is way too often.”

“Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, “To forget what?” And he said he couldn’t remember.”

Charlie Chaplin (April 16, 1889 – Dec 25, 1977)

I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

My pain may be the reason for somebody’s laugh.
But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody’s pain.

Charlie Chaplin with a doll of himself, 1929
courtesy of Gelly Bean

Wall Street, New York City, 1918

Charlie Chaplin and Helen Keller

We think too much and feel too little.

Life laughs at you when you are unhappy; Life smiles at you when you are happy; But, life salutes you when you make others happy.

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile.

The most wasted day in life is the day in which we have not laughed.

Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE!”

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

City Lights (1931) boxing scene

Steven Wright, born Dec 6, 1955

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

“It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“I was on a bus and I started talking to this blond Chinese girl and she said, ‘Hello,’ and I said, ‘Hello, isn’t it an amazing day?’ And she said, ‘Yes, I guess.’ And I said, ‘What do you mean, “I guess”?’ And she said, ‘Well, things haven’t been going too well for me lately.’ I said, ‘Why?’ She said, ‘I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, but sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a total stranger on a bus.’ And she said, ‘Well, I’ve just come back from my analyst and he’s still unable to help me.’ And I said, ‘What’s the problem?’ And she said, ‘I’m a nymphomaniac, and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys.’ Then she said, ‘By the way, my name is Diane.’ And I said, ‘Hello, Diane, I’m Bucky Goldstein.'”

Madeline Kahn (Sept 29, 1942 – Dec 3, 1999)

“You don’t say, Kermit?”

Gilda Radner and Madeleine Kahn

“Me, as myself, I don’t think I’m particularly funny. But I’ve noticed that people in my life always have found me amusing. Which, when I was little, really bothered me.”

“I can’t even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I feel guilty saying that, but it’s the truth. I love my work but it ain’t easy.”

“What’s wrong with musicals now is all the gifted men who’ve died of AIDS—who would otherwise be here today creating great theater.”

Lily Tomlin, born Sept 1, 1939

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.”

“Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.”

“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”

“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?”

“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs”.

Lily Tomlin

Thinking of Gilda (June 28, 1946 – May 20, 1989)

When your first name is Gilda, you don’t need a second name 🙂

I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.

The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.

I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.

“While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die—whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.”